Old Memories
by In Denial
Summary: Major OotP character death !!spoilers!! - One of the Marauders remembers his old school days
1. Default Chapter

**Prologue…** (It's meant to be short!)

**Main Character: **Remus Lupin, with a view to including pretty much everyone else, ever!

**Background:** Set post-OotP, therefore **spoiler-ridden. Lupin remembers all that has been lost. **

**Genre:**Oh, angst, indubitably!

**Rating:** Unlikely to rise above PG13.

**Feedback:**Oh, go on then…

~*~

The tall gaunt figure moved through the silent house. Even the portraits were stilled as the heavy realisation hung over them. Weeks had passed, yet still the disbelief in the house was tangible. For the first hours, the house had been in uproar; Phineas Nigellus had passed from painting to painting calling Sirius' name. He had been involved in a nasty altercation with Sirius' mother and had since fled the house, to return to his portrait in Hogwarts, far from the distress in the noble and most ancient House of Black.

With a sigh, Remus Lupin threw himself into a chair in the kitchen. His eyes rested idly on the fireplace and he recalled that conversation with Harry about his parents and the glory days of Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. Scarcely aware of what he was doing, he reached for a roll of parchment and a quill. He paused for a moment, scratching his chin with the end of his quill. With a sigh, he started writing.

_To whom do I write? Perhaps it will become clear to me._

_Where do I begin? Not at the beginning, I think, but at the end._

_I alone remain._

Lupin stared blankly at the words before him before he summoned the diligence to continue.

_That makes no sense. I was the weakest of the four, yet I am still here, in this place, this prison. _

_Prongs.__ He was the strongest, always, yet he was the first to go._

"No, that is not right." Lupin frowned, scratching out the previous words.

_If anyone could be said to have been the first, surely it was Wormtail. We lost him a long time ago. Should we not have seen his folly? His fear? Strange that I cannot blame him. Maybe I sympathise with his weakness._

_Then James, of course.__ He fought nobly, as we had come to expect from him. Once he had left childish ways behind, he became such a wizard! He was the strongest I think, or at least the most stable of us. Lily calmed him down and I have no doubt that he could have achieved great things had he but had the chance!_

_And Sirius.__ Padfoot. _

Lupin stared into space again, biting down on his lower lip.

_He was truly great but… Yes, there was always a 'but' with Sirius. He always took things rather lightly, he grew bored easily. Indeed, I often wonder that he did not attempt to break out of Azkaban sooner. Yet, Sirius was the one I identified with most. Maybe it was the canine leanings we both displayed. Maybe it was the discovery in recent years that he was my one remaining ally._

_Oh, I know that I have received support from people like Dumbledore, but Sirius; well, Sirius was different. He was one of the first who knew of my werewolf-self and did not mind. Indeed, he enthusiastically greeted the full moon! He made me feel as though I was not a half-breed, as though my changing into a monster was as voluntary as his ability to transform into a dog. Snuffles, isn't that how Harry addressed him?_

_Of course, Sirius and James were the closest of us four. They influenced each other. They were streets ahead of the rest of us. Wizarding came easy to them both; it was all a great game to them. _

_Oh, I wish I know to whom I am writing. Is it you, Harry? Do you wonder what we are doing this summer while you remain cooped up in your aunt's house?_

_Maybe I write to Sirius. It hurts that I could not say goodbye to you. It hurts that I could not save you, if not for Harry's sake, then for mine. You were strong. After James and Lily died, you endured despite the falsehoods that flew around, you survived Azkaban! I could not have survived._

_Or maybe and, I think, most likely, I simply write for myself. There are truths I need to hear and there is no one left to tell them to me, except myself. A lonely thought, isn't it? Yes, I write for myself…_

"So that I don't forget," whispered Remus as he stretched, his foot colliding with the table leg, making the whole table rock precariously. He gazed down its length, recalling the last night spent here with the Weasleys and Harry and, of course, Sirius. "Oh, Sirius," he sighed.

_On that last night, I should have spoken against you going to the station. But then, when did I ever oppose your wishes? Yes, I was often weak, when you and Prongs were scheming, I did nothing. Even when I did not approve which was, as you are well aware, a very rare occurrence, I never spoke out. That memory that Harry was talking about, Snape's memory; that was a fine example._

_I was weary. The OWLS of course, as well as the approaching full moon. The upcoming Transfiguration test was a concern but surely I could have said something to stop them. Lily did, after all, and she was on the receiving end of some hideous abuse from Snape. Mudblood indeed! If there was anyone who could compete with Prongs or Padfoot in magic stakes, it was Lily Evans._

_She was another who was strong. She held out for years before she started to go out with James. Sirius found it utterly hilarious that she was immune to the charming nature of James Potter. _

_I remember when they started going out. Lily wanted one of her friends to go out with me; some sort of double date, she called it. It was rather too difficult to explain why I could not accompany them on moonlit strolls by the lake but Sirius again gamely stepped in and took my place._

_The girls were always so mad about him. There was an air about him, detached boredom, unaffected handsomeness, I don't know. Not that I didn't have my share of attention, but three-week relationships tended not to work by the time I reached sixth year. _

"And relationships lasting beyond the first flickerings of recognition have been non-existent since it became public knowledge that I am a…" 

Lupin stood up suddenly, sending his chair crashing to the ground. The noise seemed to reverberate through the house. He froze for an instant, his body taut as a wolfhound, before he shook his head and strode from the room. Bounding up the stairs, two at a time, he quickly sought out Sirius' bedroom.

"If I am to dredge up old memories, I'd far rather rely on someone else's too!" He began to shuffle through an old bureau which stood in the corner of the darkened room. At length, he found precisely what he was looking for: a bundle of letters and journals, bound with string. He recalled taking these from Sirius' house, shortly after the death of Lily and James. It had been a foolish thing to do; to enter the house of a soon-to-be-convicted murderer in order to retrieve a few tattered memories. Nevertheless, Remus was glad that he had recovered these few scraps before the Ministry had descended on the house; tearing it apart in their quest to uncover any linkage to Lord Voldemort. 

He brought the bundle downstairs, sneezing at the dust which rose in great plumes. "He was not sentimental," muttered Lupin. "But, if that was truly the case, I wonder why he kept these things at all?"

"_Half-breed!__ Get out of my house! Get out…" _

Lupin whirled around to look upon the portrait of Sirius' mother, curtains torn back. 

"Mrs Black. I thought you had been quiet these past days," he said pleasantly as he closed the curtains with ease, ignoring the muffles cried within. He re-entered the kitchen and pointed his wand at the fireplace. "_Incendio__!" he muttered and a blaze sprang to life. Looking around the empty kitchen thoughtfully, he waved his wand again to produce a stack of sandwiches and a large pot of tea. As he began to wolf down the food, realising with a twinge of guilt that he really had not been eating properly in recent days, Lupin began to pour over the letters in front of him._

~*~

TBC – it's your call…

Yeah, it's time for me to be evil… I'll update when and if there's a demand for it…


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter One: Diagon Alley**

~*~

_Padfoot__ and Prongs,_

_I hope that your summer is more interesting than mine. It has been quite unpleasant at home; this past full moon was rather hairy for all concerned, if you catch my drift. Oh, and congratulations on being made Head Boy, Prongs! I do hope that you won't decide to start behaving now that you have a nice shiny badge. It made no impression with me, so maybe there's hope for you too!_

_Anyway, just wanted to say that I'll be in Diagon Alley next Wednesday.__ I hope that you'll be there. I hear that there's a great new joke shop just opened up! Maybe the Marauders need to stock up before school starts back… Our last year – I think we need to make it a memorable one!_

_Have you heard from Wormtail? I seem to be getting owls from him every second day which is a miracle given that his summer seems to be even less eventful than mine!_

_See you both soon,_

_Moony.___

Lupin smiled faintly as he read the letter. He could remember writing it, in the summer between sixth and seventh year. Sirius was staying with the Potters, as he had always done since he ran away from home. Within hours of sending that owl, Remus had received a reply. His brow creased as he tried to recall the content of the letter. It had been an invitation to return with James and Sirius to the Potters' for the remainder of the holiday; only a few days, admittedly, but it had been enough to brighten up the entire summer; the dreary weeks forgotten amidst the promise of a few days in the company of his best friends.

As he sat there, Lupin remembered the look on his mother's face. She was another who had aged prematurely; _the effect of bringing up a werewolf for a son, thought Lupin sardonically. Of course, his mother had been delighted that he was visiting his friends. She was delighted that he _had_ friends, come to that. There had also been a little relief in her face, although she had tried to hide it as she kissed her son goodbye._

Leaning back in his chair, Lupin stretched out his legs as he recalled that particular trip to Diagon Alley.

~*~

"Moony!"

Remus Lupin whirled around on the steps of Gringotts Bank, just as Sirius Black let out a remarkably realistic wolf-howl which caused a number of passers-by to look around with shock.

"Padfoot! Damn! It's good to see you again," said Remus with a smile. "Where's Prongs?"

"He'll be along any minute now." There was an all-too-familiar smirk on Sirius' face as he brushed his hair out of his eyes. He bounced up and down on the balls of his feet, looking into the crowd. "Yes, there he is!"

Remus peered down Diagon Alley and saw the crowd parting as James Potter jogged along, laughing uproariously. "Padfoot, y-you should have s-s-seen his face! Priceless, absolutely pr-…" He gulped for air before clapping Remus on the back. "Glad you could join us, Moony. It was an awfully dull full moon last month," he said with a grin on his face.

Remus looked at him sternly. "I daresay. But tell me: what has the newly appointed Head Boy of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry been doing, and to whom?" 

James grinned. "Snivellus. He was in getting new robes and… well… I couldn't resist it…"

"Couldn't resist what?" prompted Remus, as realisation slowly dawned on him.

"Well, every time the old witch tried to pin up his robes, I hit him with this nifty little hex that made his legs grow a couple of inches longer. He had t-to keep tr-trying bigger and b-bigger robes until…" He broke off, snorting with laughter. "I had t-to stop when his head hit the ceiling!"

"Did you reverse it?" asked Sirius with a wicked smile as he scanned the crowd for an abnormally tall Snape.

"Yeah," admitted James sheepishly. "I couldn't just leave him. I wasn't sure that those spindly legs could support his weight for much longer…"

"Don't tell me that being made Head Boy has softened you up!" scoffed Sirius. "Next thing you know, you and Snivellus will be crocheting rugs together in the Great Hall."

James ran his fingers through his hair. "Nah, don't expect any major changes," he said with a grin. "Where is Wormtail? He was supposed to meet us here half an hour ago!"

"Probably got lost on his way," muttered Sirius. "I don't know why his parents let him take the Floo Network alone. He'll end up in Knockturn Alley one of these days, you mark my words."

James grimaced. "I'll admit that there is a side of me that would love to see that place but… Dark Arts have never much appealed to me…"

"Ha!" said Remus with a grin. "This coming from a man who has perfected the art of anonymous hexing!"

"There's a difference between Dark Arts and having a little fun," shot back James. "At least I don't intend to take over the world!"

"Nope, just the corridors of Hogwarts." Sirius looked around impatiently. "Where _is_ that boy?"

"Sorry I'm late," puffed Peter Pettigrew as he clambered up the steps of the bank. "I got lost."

"Of course you did, Wormtail, mate!" said James. "Well, c'mon then, I think it's time the Marauders got…"

"Don't tell me that you still refer to yourselves by that ridiculous nickname," came a somewhat scornful voice from behind them. 

"Evans!" said Sirius with a sly smile at James, who stepped forward rather too enthusiastically.

"Lily!" He smiled as he instinctively ran his hand through his hair again. "These must be your parents?" He beamed at the two rather frightened-looking Muggles who stood slightly behind the red-haired girl. 

Lily looked rather nervous but before she could usher her parents away, her father stepped forward. "Yes, I'm Lily's dad."

James shook his hand heartily before smiling at Lily's mother. "Mr and Mrs Evans, it is wonderful to meet you. My name is James Potter."

"Potter," began Mrs Evans thoughtfully. "Lily, isn't he the one who you said…"

Lily frantically hushed her mother up. "Mum, no! I mean, probably but…" She trailed off as James looked at her with amusement. "I hear that you're Head Girl this year, Lily?"

"I…uh…yes," she stammered, wishing, above all things, that her parents didn't have to meet the most arrogant boy in Hogwarts.

"Excellent! I'm Head Boy, you see," confided James to her parents. He chuckled at Lily's rather unflattering response to this information. "Yes, it came as quite a surprise to me too. We all rather thought that Remus here might be in with a shot." He nudged Lupin in the ribs.

"It was never all that likely, Prongs," he said ruefully. "There are certain things that can't be overlooked when a Head Boy is being chosen."

"How true!" cried Sirius as he slung his arm over James' shoulders. "Like being top in the class in Defence Against the Dark Arts? Or the best Seeker Gryffindor has seen in years? Or maybe that time you saved poor Snivellus' life?"

James shifted uncomfortably on his feet. "Well, that last one might be a bit of an exaggeration," he muttered before smiling brilliantly at the Evans family again. "I'm sure you must be quite overcome with all this commotion! Diagon Alley is a lot to take in, even for wizards. I know a nice coffee shop just down the street. Perhaps…?" he trailed off as he raised his eyebrows in Lily's direction.

"Oh, I don't think…" she began before her father interrupted.

"Sounds like a great idea, Lily. We have all your stuff now, don't we?" He lifted up a large number of bags and parcels.

"But Petunia…" tried Lily again.

"…is perfectly content to wait in the car," finished her mother.

"Wonderful." James took Mrs Evans' arm and guided her down the steps with a solemn wink at Remus who quickly looked away, hiding a small smile.

"No, no, Wormtail," muttered Sirius, grabbing the back of Wormtail's robes. "Don't be so obvious." He grinned disarmingly at James before turning away. "Come on, let's check out that joke shop you told us about, Remus," he said loudly. When they had disappeared around the corner, he smiled at his two friends. It was a smile that sent shivers down the spines of teachers and made girls go weak at the knees. It was a smile that could only mean one thing; Padfoot had a plan.

"Sirius, old chap," said Remus with a quick glance at Wormtail. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall in that coffee shop," said Sirius before he too looked at Wormtail. "Or a rat in the corner, of course."

Wormtail positively beamed with anticipation. "Is there anyone about?" he whispered.

"Not a soul, Peter, old mate," returned Remus. As they watched, Peter suddenly disappeared and his robes retained their shape for a split-second, before crumpling to the ground. 

"I think he's been practising over the summer," said Sirius out of the corner of his mouth. He crouched down and prodded the robes. A rat crept out, its nose twitching and its eyes gleaming. "Go on then, Wormtail. We'll see you in the joke shop, alright?"

With a squeak, the rat scurried off. Sirius and Remus looked at each other with satisfaction. 

"C'mon then," said Sirius, as he stuffed Wormtail's robes into a shopping bag. "Let's go for a walk." The two teenagers strolled back out onto Diagon Alley with expressions of pure innocence on their faces. 

"Black, Lupin, stocking up on school supplies?"

"Wha-?" Sirius looked around in surprise before Remus began talking to someone who was below their line of sight.

"Ah, Professor Flitwick! Yes, we're just getting a few last-minute things, you know how it is!"

The diminutive Charms professor squinted up at him and chuckled. "I would do well not to ask what there 'last minute things' are, young Lupin, eh? Well, just remember that this is your NEWT year - you can't spend it all in detention!"

Sirius laughed. "Oh, we are quite reformed, Professor Flitwick."

"No doubt," replied Flitwick with a smile. "At least, you do not get caught half as much as you used to." With a wink, he continued on his way, leaving Sirius gaping in his wake.

"Nothing gets past him," muttered Lupin.

"And if it gets past him, you can bet your bottom Sickle that it won't get past McGonagall." Sirius looked around as though he expected the Transfiguration Professor to swoop down on them. Shaking himself, he followed Lupin into the joke shop and quickly became distracted by a set of two-way mirrors. "Ingenious," he said. "I have got to buy these!"

"Bloody hell, Padfoot, look at the price!"

"Easy, Moony, I still have stacks of gold. Old Uncle Alphard was incredibly generous to me, much to my dear old mum's horror," said Sirius with a huge grin as he brought his purchases to the shopkeeper, an elderly wizard who looked at though a mild shock would send him into an irreversible decline.

"Just these please. Oh, and a package of Dungbombs." Sirius grabbed a large bottle of Vanishing Ink and leaned over the counter. "Yeah, and these and could I have one of your largest boxes of fireworks? Great!"

"_Sirius!_" A roar filled the shop, no mean feat given that every second customer was either shrieking with laughter or pain. Sirius calmly paid the shopkeeper and tucked his new belongings under his arm. "Prongs?" he asked as he came face to face with a livid James Potter. "You might want to take it a little easier, mate, you've gone all red."

"Perhaps you can explain this?" asked James. He reached into his pocket and withdrew a large rat. It squeaked and squirmed uselessly as it hung dangling in the air by its tail.

"It appears to be a rat, Prongs," said Sirius helpfully.

"I always thought you were most observant, Padfoot," commented Remus as he looked up from a comic book.

"Why, thank you, Moony."

James made an indistinguishable sound in his throat.

"Really, Prongs, whatever is the matter with you?" asked Sirius mildly. "Alright, easy boy!" he cried as James began to push him out of the shop. Remus cast an apologetic glance at the shopkeeper before he followed them out into the bright sunshine. 

"Now, Prongs, no need to take it so badly!" pleaded Sirius, although he was still grinning impishly. 

"We're going home," managed James. "_Now!"_

After a quick stop into the toilets in the Leaky Cauldron for Wormtail to restore himself to his normal state, they queued up at the fireplace to return to the Potters' residence.

"It can't have been that bad, surely," whispered Sirius to Wormtail. "Was it?"

"It was all going fine until Mrs Evans saw me," replied Wormtail, casting a concerned look in James' direction. "I don't think she likes rats much."

"Understatement of the century," said James flatly. "Muggles. I just don't get 'em. I mean, Lily's alright, even though she was brought up by them, and her dad's nice but I think that her sister must be really strange."

"What makes you think that, Prongs?" asked Remus as he took a handful of Floo Powder.

"Cos she refuses to have anything to do with Lily's witchcraft. Won't set foot into Diagon Alley, you know."

"Strange girl," muttered Sirius, stepping into the fireplace. "Forest Heights!" he cried, before spinning around in the flames. He appeared in the Potters' kitchen moments later and stepped aside just as Remus arrived. Between them, they caught Wormtail before he crashed to the floor and, within seconds, James had joined them. 

"Mum! Dad!" he bellowed. "We're home! Just taking them to the guestroom!" 

He brought his friends upstairs, sidestepping a House Elf on the way up.

"Hey, James, I never knew you had a House Elf!" said Wormtail with awe as he watched the large-eared creature padding down the stairs.

James shrugged. "That's Dandy. Had him for years. Here's your room." He pushed open a door and lead them all inside. Three beds had been squeezed into it. "You do realise that Padfoot is being awfully generous, don't you? He's had this room all to himself for the summer…"

Sirius threw himself onto the bed closest to the door. "Just don't kick me in your sleep and I won't bite your ankles, got that, Moony?" 

Remus laughed. "Mate, I'm so thrilled to be out of home that I'd sleep curled up under the bed!"

"No need for that here," said James grandly as he sat down on the edge of Sirius' bed.

"Right, Prongs, spill!" said Sirius, fixing his friend with a firm look. 

"What?" asked James innocently, looking at the ceiling.

"What happened in the coffee shop?" asked Remus.

"Yeah, Prongs, you gotta tell us or we'll be relying solely on Wormtail's eyewitness report!" Sirius poked James repeatedly. "And surely you don't want that!"

"Alright, _alright_!" said James with disgust, ignoring the cheers that greeted this surrender. "We went to the coffee shop, well and good. I was getting on great with Evans' old man, explaining the rules of Quidditch to him while he tried to convince me that that Muggle sport was better…"

"Soccer?" asked Remus with a look of confusion. "The one they play on the ground?"

"Yeah, with just one ball?" said Sirius before laughing uproariously.

"No, it was another one. I'd never heard of it before," replied James seriously. "They pick up the ball and run with it, only they can't throw it forward. Rugby, he called it."

"Weird," said Wormtail, his eyes wide as he looked around the room.

"Yeah. Anyway, we were getting on great and I know that Lily was impressed cos she kept looking in my direction."

"You kept messing up your hair, didn't you?" asked Remus.

"Nice one, Moony!" laughed Sirius as James blushed. 

"That's not the point. Anyway, Mrs Evans was just asking me about what I wanted to do when I leave school when she suddenly shrieked. I swear I have never seen a Muggle move so quickly! You'd have thought that she had put some Levitation Charm on herself, she jumped up on that chair so fast. Of course, it was this git here, hiding in the sugar bowl!" He prodded Wormtail. "I recognised him immediately. I was half-expecting Padfoot to come bursting in, just to make the moment really memorable!"

"What'd you do?" asked Remus, stretching out on the bed lazily.

"What else could I do? I picked up Wormtail, which only increased Mrs Evans' horror. Once I'd stuffed him into my pocket, I made some ridiculous excuse along the lines of 'Oh, I think this rat belongs to one of the Third Year Ravenclaws, I'd better give it back' and I scarpered!" 

Sirius fell about laughing and clapped Peter on the back. "Wonderful, Wormtail, wonderful! Couldn't have planned that." He caught a glimpse of James' face. "Come on, mate, don't worry, I doubt you've done any lasting harm to your chances with Evans!"

"I suppose." James sighed. "But I wish she'd give me some sign…"

"Other than disdainful looks?"

"Yes, yes, Padfoot, other than disdainful looks," repeated James dully. "I mean, I've liked the girl for years! Why won't she just…"

"Boys! Dinner's on the table!" A voice carried up from downstairs.

"Coming, Mum!" hollered James. "We'd better go and eat. Anyone fancy a game of Quidditch later?"

"Why not, Prongs?" said Sirius through a yawn. "As long as you play with Wormtail. I want to have some kind of chance against you! That last time you and Remus wiped the floor with us!"

Laughing happily, the four boys made their way downstairs to the kitchen, concerned with nothing more important than who would get to ride the new broom James had been given by his parents.

~*~

"Re-living your glory days?" A soft voice sounded in Lupin's ear and he started suddenly to find himself back in the kitchen of Twelve, Grimmauld Place.

"Severus!" he said. "What are you doing here?"

"In case it had slipped your mind, Remus, it is approaching the full moon and Dumbledore asked that I concoct some Wolfbane for you," sneered Snape as he cast a cold eye over the letters and journals spread out on the table. "What have we here? Sentimental remnants of the days when you were all at the height of arrogance?" He reached out a hand to one of the letters.

"_Accio_ writings," muttered Lupin, and all of the scraps of parchment and books flew into his hands. "I am remembering old friends, Severus. They deserve that much."

"Indeed," muttered Snape as he slapped a steaming goblet down in front of Lupin. "Well, do not allow yourself to become too immersed in such nonsense, Remus, they may have been your friends but memories are not much use now, are they?"

"Memories are all I have!" retorted Lupin. "And, as of this moment, I would appreciate being left alone with them!"

"Very well, Remus." With a hiss, Snape departed and Lupin sank down into his chair. He reached for the goblet and threw back the contents, grimacing at the foul taste. A slow tear trickled down his face and he closed his eyes, to be met by visions of red light and that look of surprise on Sirius' face.

"Why not me?" he wondered. Listlessly, he began to leaf through the sheafs in front of him, waiting for the rising of the moon and the chance for his thoughts to become uncomplicated and straightforward.

~*~

More? Your call as ever, people…

And big thanks to those of you who reviewed, whether here or on LJ – much appreciated! Betsy, anonymous, Green Banana, thespian_geek and, of course, Klose!! :)


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